I haven't written in a while because I am at a lost of what to write. The process of getting into medical school is proving to be a BIG test for me and I am not even taking the MCAT. The process is a great opportunity for a biggest trust exercise and I am not sure I want to do it anymore. The cheerleader is out of breathe, energy and possibly even hope. What did I do all that WORK and single parenting for while he was did his undergrad? To help get us where? We are stuck.
MCAT scores seem to knock whatever running aspiration you had towards a future in medicine out of you. They have certainly knocked the hope out of me and as I struggle to find a hold on some sort of idea for the future, I had to come face to face with the reality of losing another grandparent. One who I had the pleasure of help caring for these past 4 years since my grandma past away from breast cancer. I promised I would help look after him and even though at times it proved more difficult as Alzheimer progressed. I tired to focus not on the fact that my little family future seemed less and less clear but that I was losing a man I had grown to love even more through taking care of him. Holding his hand, I prayed that he won't linger long. That he might join my grandma soon without having to struggle any longer. He even asked once, "How long is this going to take?". My heart broke. Even in the end, when are bodies are done and our mind doesn't remember much, we still are face with the choice to be patient with the unknowns.
I understand that universal law of work+work+more work=end result. I feel even more lost because I don't know what else to do. Like I lost a piece of myself. An identity created through serving a grandparent for 4 years and left broken because a hole was left, that was once filled by serving him. This overwhelming feeling on top of being unsure about the future has left me LOST. I have started exploring hobbies that have help get me focused on other things so that I stop nagging and start sleeping again.
If you feel the same, know someone else understands. Over coming disappointment for me has started by knowing that the process of getting into medical school is easy for some, a struggle for some, and a fight for others. Finding your center and remembering how much you want it is key. Why go down this road? A process that you and your family will probably go through not only now but several times during medical school too. So learn how to recenter, refocus and get back to work. Even if you aren't the student, like me.